Free As A Bird
by Pri Maclay
Summary: Simon doesn't know the nightmares come back.


Simon doesn't know that the nightmares come back sometimes.

River smiles at him every morning when they eat breakfast, kisses Mal just to annoy him, and tickles Kaylee to make him laugh. Simon smiles back at her, tries not to roll his eyes at his sister's antics, and Kaylee's laugh is so infectious that he can't help but laugh as well. Her speech is still poetic at times, sometimes it's almost a riddle, but River was always reading poetry, so it makes sense in some way. Simon's life is happy. His mei mei is safe, her mind is her own again, and he has Kaylee to hold at night. River knows Simon is happy. She wants Simon to be happy as much as birds want to fly.

So, she keeps things to herself. It isn't hard. Kaylee helps without even knowing she is. She distracts Simon, keeps him busy with her body and her smile and makes it easy to fool Simon into thinking everything is fine.

Sometimes, the nightmares come back. Sometimes, there are new nightmares.

The hands of blue take her on Ariel, back to the Academy, back to their experiments. She screams when she feels the scalpel cut into her skin. It's worse when she can't scream. If she can't scream, she can't wake up.

She walks through the quiet streets of Miranda, and all the voices scream at her, saying nothing. She crumples to the ground, holds her hands over her ears, trying to block out the sound, but she can't, there's no way she could.

But, the worst nightmare involves the Operative. His dark skin on the screen, telling Mal that she's bad luck, that he'll keep coming, keep killing until Mal gives her up. Mal looks at the screen, looks at her and she sees it in Mal's eyes. He's giving her up. She wants to run, but she can't. How can she run from Mal? He stands, and he takes hold of her arms, and looks back at the Operative to ask for a meeting spot. She sobs in her dream, begs Mal not to with her eyes, with her voice, begs him not to give her up, not to make her go back, but his mind is made up. He doesn't want any more blood on his hands.

Whatever nightmare it is- the hands of blue on Ariel, the voices on Miranda, or the look in Mal's eyes- she's woken up by a caring and gentle voice. When she dreams about the look in Mal's eyes, it's the worst. She can't accept the comfort at first, can't distinguish the difference between the nightmare and reality. She wakes up sobbing each time, ignoring the voice, still pleading to be allowed to stay on Serenity, to stay here at home.

Mal never loses patience with her.

He talks to her softly, whispers in the dark as he fumbles for a light switch so she can see his eyes, see the look in them.

"I'm not lettin' you go, River," he says to her, the love in his voice never wavering as his hand searches for the light. "Ain't nothin' in this 'Verse that could make me give you up."

She can't believe him, not until the lights are on, and she sees his eyes, sees the love in them and realizes she was just dreaming again. She knows this nightmare hurts him the most. He didn't give her up then, and he would never give her up now.

When the lights come up, the relief floods through her, and all she's capable of is sobbing into his chest, letting his arms wrap around her, and his hands run through her long hair until she quiets. Once she does, he pulls away to look at her, brushes the tears off her face and leans down to kiss her.

He doesn't stop kissing her, not until they're calling out with pleasure and wrapped in each other's arms. Mal leaves the light on those nights, even after she falls asleep.

She wants to tell him why she dreams what she does, why she dreams that he gives her up. She knows he never would, and she knows it hurts him that she dreams he does. But, she can't make herself talk about it, can't bring herself to explain that her worst fear is her greatest love.

The next time it happens, Mal fumbles for the light switch, whispers to her in the dark, trying to soothe her. She still can't tell if she's still asleep or not, but she reaches for his hand anyway. River makes herself trust in that voice and stops him from turning the lights on.

"I love you," she tells him fiercely. River summons her courage. She has to explain, has to tell him why. "I loved you even with my broken brain and memories that weren't my own were making me scream. I loved you. I knew then that you would never give me up. But, fear..." She lets out a sob and almost chokes as she tries to stifle it. "Fear doesn't know anything but itself. Fear is lonely and scared and doesn't make sense, not ever. It cries and hurts and imagines the worst things will always happen. Fear doesn't know love. Or trust. It can't. That's why it hurts so much." River cries, reaches out for him, holds his face in her hands. "I love you, Mal," she says adamantly. She cries harder, buries her face in his neck and he holds her tightly, and suddenly, as she clings to him, she realizes he's real and she's awake.

The light still isn't on, and this makes her feel strong, but her tears don't stop just yet.

Mal is patient, lets her cry until she can't any longer. He kisses the top of her head, her wet cheeks, and then her lips.

"I know a thing or two about fear, darlin'," he tells her. "When you see me hurtin' over this nightmare you keep havin', it ain't just because you're dreamin' about me."

River's quiet, and she touches his face curiously, runs her fingers through his hair and waits.

"I love you, River," says Mal. "And I understand fear- You know I got nightmares of my own." River nods; she does know. "I dream about losin' you, and I get just as scared as you do. I just have more practice having nightmares." She feels him smile in the dark, his cheek moving against her hand, and she runs her fingers over his mouth to feel the smile completely. He kisses her fingertips, and takes her hand in his, curls it to his chest. "I hurt when you hurt, River," he says simply. "Can't change that."

She kisses him back, and they make love until she's sure they're the only two people in the 'Verse. When she closes her eyes to sleep, she dreams again.

It's the worst nightmare, come back, but the air is different, something's changed. This time, when the Operative tells him to give her up, Mal grits his jaw and turns off the screen. He looks at River, who stands behind him and takes her hand.

"He's a damn fool if he thinks I'm givin' you up while I'm still breathin'," says Mal.

River wakes up smiling.

In the morning, River smiles at Simon while he drinks his coffee and kisses Mal until she hears Simon choke on it and curse. Kaylee laughs, and so does Simon, who merely shakes his head at River and stands up to poor himself something more to drink.

Mal smiles at River. "You shouldn't antagonize him."

"Why not?" she asks.

He grins. "Now that you mention it, I can't think of a reason not to."

Mal brushes a kiss to her temple and leaves the kitchen to go answer a wave from Monty. His hand lingers on her shoulder for a moment. She hears his thought by accident.

_love you_

Simon doesn't know the nightmares never stopped completely.

He doesn't need to.


End file.
